I seem to have a tendency to make things complicated and difficult without trying. Although this is an annoying trait that I am extremely aware of, that self awareness isn’t switched on all the time. So I bounce from awareness to busyness in my mind, sometimes day to day, at other times from hour to hour. I think I need to have a brain clear out and make things really basic, bring some minimalism to my head.
In many ways I am drawn to busyness. I am an imperfect perfectionist that lives his life by being busy. I am very busy you know. What’s that you say? An event? Oh no, I am very busy. I’m too busy! Busy being busy in order to stop from having time to think and end up in a hole of depression. As a result my head is cluttered. It’s like a teenagers bedroom in there, just without the porn and video games scattered everywhere. All this busyness has made me step back from my podcast for a month. I am decluttering my mind, I am decluttering my life. As I type the latter I am literally looking at my stuff and deciding what to part with as though it’s presence has been burning a hole in my brain matter.
I don’t think I have spoken about self hate for quite a long time, but I have never been a fan of myself. I especially hate my mind despite having taken back some control over it lately. Even though it has improved over the last year there are still times where I wonder what the point is. Those moments are forlorn, empty of energy and devoid of colour. They are like walking through thick mud, the kind that sucks your boots off and makes you feel like a weakling. Yet these moments pass, more recently they do so quicker than before. It always leaves me feeling that I’d rather have a mind that didn’t think as much as this one.
Such random musings tonight, but when that flow kicks in you just have to go with it. With all the writing I’ve done over the years I try not to repeat myself, but I know I have failed this evening. Perhaps there are some things that I am never going to change and I should focus on the basics that I can have an effect on. That might sound defeatist but to me it is just realism, at least in this moment. For now the two faced man certainly does not have his smily face on. I feel lethargic towards life. I am nonplussed by anything remotely exciting. I am a shell of what I once was and that hurts. It is painful because I won’t get that back, nothing external can touch it. But that. Those last five words are the key. Nothing external can touch it. No drugs, no people nor place, no experience can fill the hole in my head/heart/soul (you choose). It has to come from inside my brain/soul/heart (whatever) and that is the glimmer of hope I hold onto. The small piece of knowledge that I can do something. In fact I am doing something, I just need to do more of that and less of all the other shit. Remove all the noise for a bit.
Thanks for letting me talk and helping me to get to that ideation.
Until next time.