Today it has rained for most of the day and I love it. I enjoy the break from the sun and that British voice in my head telling me to get outside and make the most of the good weather. Instead as I took time to relax and read it is replaced by a voice telling me to write, to make the most of the time inside. Seems I can’t catch a break from those damn voices! Note to self, get back into meditation to calm the mind the fudge down. My go to short meditation is this. I used to do this everyday when I was struggling with my head, I think it is probably a good time to get back to it.
As I mentioned in my last post I have been doing some work with a coach to help understand and master my emotions. This has been extremely helpful in developing my self confidence as well as expressing myself. Of course there are things I am already confident in, but what you see on the outside doesn’t always equate to what is going on inside. I still struggle to speak my mind, after years of avoiding conflict or just rebelling against every path presented to me it is odd just to be honest. Gradually I am beginning to understand the why behind my thoughts and feelings. All that said it takes time to unpack your mind, a bit like one of those Matryoshka dolls, which hold so many versions of itself inside.
My recent struggles have revolved around creativity, specifically not dedicating the time to sit down and write. I would say that I don’t do well being controlled, structured or told what to do. However at the same time I need structure to prevent procrastination and in order to get my bum in the seat typing. Even if it’s mostly crap, that’s ok because there’s a hope that it all builds toward something greater. So here I am on this wet and windy day taking the time to sit and write about sitting and writing, because whilst I am here talking to you through this post I am not anxious, I do not feel sad or depressed. I might struggle to explain what I feel in words at times, but in this moment it’s what I am not feeling or thinking that is most important. That flow I get from handwriting out a thought or developing a short story is calming, yet invigorating. I imagine it’s like taking just the right amount of alcohol, weed or cocaine, so that you can feel so much better yet you’re not off your head. That middle ground of intoxication where ideas and creativity come easier without your brain spewing out barriers. We all just want to feel good and create something fulfilling, not punch someone in the face because they were looking at us funny.
Right for now I am off because I have the attention span of a nat and I should be writing some more of my short story. Let me know if you read this and want to share any thoughts. I’m pretty sure you can comment below here somewhere…