Firstly thank you to Tom for giving me space on his website to basically have a rant at the shitstarts in society and offer my pearls of wisdom to you true legends out there.
I am Jimmy. James to me mum. James Stevens to the government. I was born in London in the South-East. I am not a Cockney but if that's the accent you are hearing after the last line then go with it. I'm bald, but don't think of Jason Statham. I am a journo by trade, but mainly self employed, so I don't associate with those tabloid ambulance chasers.
Alright enough about me let's talk business. Tom asked me to fill in for him while he takes a break from posting, probably because he has something better to do, like drinking. I thought I'd share with you my experiences of town and all the wankers in it to highlight how ridiculous we've all become, these are called Jimmy rants. Then after that I'll offer some sage advice for readers in Ask Jimmy, which will be practical and to the point. Enjoy.
I was out driving this week on a booze run after dropping the kids at school, lockdown vibe. As I was heading back home from the Offie (it used to be a small shop that sold alcohol, now a warehouse) I happened to look in my rear view mirror. I'm a terrible driver so that in itself was a surprise, but what I saw topped even that rare event. Behind me was a black AMG Mercedes with an off centre yellow stripe along the length of the motor. The driver? Yeah you guessed it. A middle aged white fella (gotcha). This got my piss boiling.
What I want to know is who defaces a £100,000 sports car, turning it into a skinny bumble bee that shouts at police "stop me!" When I was a teenager I had a small Fiat Uno that I lowered the shocks on and added some paraphernalia to, but once I got a girlfriend she quickly made me realise that this was a dumb fucking idea. If you get to middle age and do the same thing to a more expensive car are you making up for a very small personality?
On some level my piss boiling comes from jealousy. I love motors and would very much like to be able to drive an AMG Mercedes, all be it without the go faster stripe. But the bigger part is this, in taking a car that looks like the Batmobile and then defacing it, you are telling anyone that notices "I am wealthy enough that I can deface this nice car and pay all the police fines I receive from speeding, a month after they are due." It's like having "RICH" number plates with a middle finger sticker in the back window.
Yet there could be another story. Perhaps it's nothing like my jealous imagination stated. Perhaps this guy along with many other sports car driving, middle aged men are actually really good blokes. They probably consult several charities in their spare time. Naturally their businesses are involved in producing essential medical equipment for premature babies, or low cost solar panels for developing nations. That Mercedes? It was a rental. This guy just borrowed it from a rich nob he bumped into at a Charity Gala for land mine victims. Plus he was on his way to collect his mum from the nursing home to take her for lunch. He's actually cash poor because he gives all his money to charities for the welfare of animals and what he saves he spends on his dying mum. He doesn't even own a house, but lives in an old camper van on scrub land outside of London. Essentially he's Jesus.
God I really hope it's the former. Don't throw shit in glass houses as my mum used to say.