I’ll be honest. This week has been a bit of a writing right off. After submitting my final essay for my course on Monday night I haven’t felt inclined to write these posts. Perhaps because the classic writer’s brain is kicking in with just enough self doubt to make me stop. I can tell you that I have been writing for my book chapter update, so despite not feeling like I have much to say there is a positive.
What I lacked in creative energy for Lockdown Diaries I had an abundance of for my chapter on sleep. Finishing this course has been on my mind for weeks and the feeling of freedom was palpable for my brain. My thinking towards the end of the course was dangerous, but familiar. I came to a realisation why I was doomed to “fail” before I’d even begun. That voice said “you chose to do this, nobody made you. You can quit anytime.” Now I am not about to say that I triumphed over these deep seated, historically deleterious thoughts, because I didn’t. Yes I finished the course, but I don’t expect the grades to be good. The insight for me was that I felt the same way as the time I had to get extra Maths tuition at primary school. Fucking stupid. Especially as I had a Dad who was an accountant. Roll on a few years and I had further trouble with studying at secondary school and then for my final years as a 17/18 year old. This course in its own way took me back to times that I would rather forget.
Yet as a result I am now looking at study in a different light. Rather than think it isn’t for me, I can see that where I study, who I study with and what I am studying are very important. This may seem obvious to you. But until you’ve done an online course and realised that you just don’t engage in forums, it's a fucking revelation. This experience reminded me that I did my best work when surrounded by others that wanted to study (doh!) Studying alone is not only tedious, but you don’t have anybody to bounce ideas off or to share discussion. If I am going to study in the future it will either be hands on and short in time frame, or I will choose a course where I can join others. For now both seem unlikely in the current climate, so I will just wait and put my energy into creativity from home for now. My take home lesson from this is that finding value in a course is more than looking at how much it costs. It is about being open to what it can teach you and the insights it leads to outside of the chosen topic.
I’m signing off for now and will come back tomorrow to try again with the Lockdown Diaries.
Words: 559. Target: 250 x 4 = 1000. Some days it’s ok to not have much in the tank. Don’t beat yourself up about it.